Showing posts with label Kaity Martin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kaity Martin. Show all posts

College Dating: Making the First Move


Is it just me or does it seem like boys are not stepping up to the plate lately? That is what I have been thinking for a while now when it comes to guys being the first to ask girls out on dates. As girls, we can pine away for a guy for months upon months. We think that smiling at him across the lecture hall or talking to him after class and complimenting him on his hair or deep blue eyes will be enough for him to get the hint that we kind of, sort of really like him.

I was a little flustered with this whole dilemma, so I took to the streets. Rather, I grabbed my phone and made it my project to find out what others thought about the idea of who should ask who out first.

After conducting a small survey from my phone’s contact list, I found some interesting information. This information may change the thinking of girls waiting for the cute guy down the hall to ask them out on a fun ice cream date.

I asked 19 people (10 girls and nine boys) this question: Who do you think should make the first move when it comes to dating? The guy or the girl? Or does it not matter anymore?

I think I made quite a discovery.

The majority of the girls I asked (eight out of 10) said that they definitely believed that the guy should be the one to make the first move. The common reason behind this thinking was that by asking a girl out, the guy shows confidence. He makes himself vulnerable, free to complete rejection when he puts himself out there and asks to see you on a not-so-platonic level. That right there is an admirable trait that I don’t think many girls can turn down.

The responses from the girls didn’t really surprise me much. I believe we are all somewhat shaped to think that our Prince Charming or some daring bad boy of a guy is going to come around and take the initiative to ask us out. It’s hard not to think that way with all the movies and fairy tales that we have grown up watching.

Here’s the kicker: six out of the nine boys I asked voiced that they believe that it really doesn’t matter who asks who out. A driven, confident girl who knows who she likes and isn’t afraid of asking him out is a major turn on. It was also expressed that given the time we live in, the “rules” of dating have changed and girls seem to like to take charge and don’t care to wait around for a boy to work up the nerve to ask them out.

Out of everything that I learned after taking biology my first semester of college, I remember “correlation does not mean causation.” Therefore, I am no way claiming that my little survey serves any means to a breakthrough in all the struggles men and women face while dating, but there is quite a difference in a way that these two groups think.

While women wait around for men to ask them out, men are waiting for women to ask them out. We are all playing a waiting game. How silly is that?

Asking someone out is no walk in the park either, so we are all waiting for quite a while. Opportunities are being missed and possible love interests are moving on. That right there is so unfortunate.

I believe it is time that we break out of the social construct of what dating “should be.” Ladies, if you like a man, stop waiting around and make a move! Women haven’t been scared in the past to get what they want, whether it be the right to vote or a high position job, so why don’t we get the men we want, too? Is that too farfetched? I don’t think so.

And gentlemen, please don’t forget chivalry; it is a beautiful thing. Sure, a lot of people prance around and shout “chivalry is dead,” but I believe otherwise. Chivalry isn’t dead; it is just very rare these days.

All in all, don’t let the status quo prevent you from asking someone out.

Stop waiting around like Cinderella for your prince to come. Glass slippers aren’t that comfortable. Be a trendsetter ... buy some sneakers and go get your prince instead.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source

Are We Too Young to Be Thinking About Forever?


Someone needs to invent a time machine so I can go find my 16-year-old self, sit her down and tell her everything that has happened to me in the past three years or rather the three years ahead of her.

That would be quite a scene. Me at 16 hearing that at 19 years old I would be living in central Missouri, pursuing my dream of being a writer? Sixteen-year-old me would be on the floor laughing and shouting that I’m crazy. She definitely wouldn’t believe that I would be recently out of relationship that I thought was going to last forever.

That’s the tricky thing about falling into the idea of "forever." Forever is such a huge word if you think about it. Never-ending, constant and always present ... sounds like something that only exists in a fairytale world.

I have fallen victim to the idea of forever when it comes to love and relationships. I mean, when you find someone who just gets you, when you’re with him you’re even more of yourself and every second spent together is a moment you never want to forget or let go; then why wouldn’t you want to think about a forever with him?

It was only until recently when the relationship unraveled, and I found myself dropped from cloud nine to the hard ground of reality, that the whole idea of forever started to seem a little funny to me.

Forever puts a lot of pressure on a relationship or even a relationship that is just about to start. There are expectations that come with the mindset of being "together forever," and when certain expectations aren’t met, then arguments and fallouts usually ensue.

That’s why, despite the mindset I’ve had for the past year, I believe that thinking about forever is unrealistic when it comes to our lives right now. We are young, in our late teens and early twenties, this means we aren’t entirely sure of who we are at the moment, where we want to go in life and who we are going to become. So putting a "forever" stamp on a relationship would just seem so counterproductive to the place we are in our lives right now.

Who we are today isn’t going to last forever. What career we want today isn’t going to stay the same forever. Nothing in our young lives right now has the true capability of being forever, so why should we put so much emphasis on a "forever" relationship if it might never live up to its name?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to go and dump your boyfriend because the "happily ever after" idea in your head with him may never come true. Rather, I want to encourage you to take everything day by day. If you are in a relationship, for example, think about this question: what do you know today? Your answer may be, today you are in love with your boyfriend. He makes you happy, he respects you, and everything is good. And then stop right there. Don’t worry about tomorrow; don’t worry about next week or next month or next year. Right now you are in love, right now you are happy and really, that is all that should matter. Don’t worry about forever because when you do, you lose sight on what you have right now.

There are so many people in this world that you are going to meet. Love interests will pop up out of the blue, and new friendships may start in a blink of an eye. If I were to tell my 16-year-old self that most of the friends she has will not be her friends at 19, she’d probably roll her eyes at me. But it’s true. There are people in our lives today that we wouldn’t have thought would be here, and on the other end, there are people that are not in our lives today that we always thought would be.

So maybe no one will ever invent a time machine, and I will never get to visit my 16-year-old self and watch her look at me like I’m some mad woman. But if I could travel back in time, there would be one thing I would want to tell her: live for today.

Yesterday already happened, and tomorrow can wait, but today you are alive, you are in love, and you are young. Forever is just a word we use when we want to keep someone or something in our lives that we know we can lose at any moment. Instead of worrying about forever though, acknowledge what you have today.

Because after all, what you have and how you feel right now may not last forever, but it’s here today, so treasure it.

By: Kaity Martin

How to Deal with Being the Third Wheel

I really can’t think of anything that isn’t awkward that doesn’t have three wheels. There’s tricycles and wheelbarrows ... both items have their own little touches of weirdness and imbalances. I mean, think about it ... a tricycle and a wheelbarrow both have two wheels in the back and one lonely wheel in the front.

This is how I look at being a third wheel in a relationship. It’s quite a literal point of view. It’s lonely and bumpy and just plain uncomfortable. No one wants to be that third wheel friend who sits on the sideline while her friend and her beau are making googly eyes at each other.

When I think of third wheeling I always think of this one mental picture: a couple sharing an ice cream sundae together at a cute diner and then a couple seats down is the devoted friend crying and shoving a brownie in her mouth. Okay, yes I know that is a bit extreme, but it’s kind of true.

Whenever I find myself in the third wheel position I always feel like a complete loser. It’s really hard to muster up some positivity in that situation because all I can think about is “oh, my gosh, I’m so lame. I’m basically on a date with my friend and her boyfriend.”

Before you go down the sad-stuffing-your-face-with-a-brownie-soaking-in-your-tears road, listen to me. There is a light at the end of this long tunnel ... even if you’re riding a tricycle to get out of it.

1. Don’t Be Too Serious
You might want to cringe at the sight of your friend and her boyfriend cuddling in the theatre seats right next to you. But hey, you have a huge bowl of popcorn drenched in butter, and the movie you’re watching is making you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts. Just let the PDA fly for a bit and enjoy yourself. The situation may not be ideal, but at least you have food and some good entertainment to distract you from the unwanted lovebirds.

2. Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Just because your friend has a boyfriend and you don’t, that doesn’t put her ahead of you in the game of life. It’s going to be hard not to feel bad for yourself when she and her boyfriend are frolicking around in a field of happiness while all three of you are out and about. Don’t let it all get to you though. One day, you’re going to have someone like that in your life, and you can frolic to your heart’s content. For now, try to dig up some positivity ... maybe he has some cute friends to introduce you to?

3. Speak Up When You Need To
Sometimes this whole third wheel thing gets to be too much, and you need to let your friend know. She might not even realize that she is putting you in an awkward situation because she is too busy being swept off her feet by her new lover. Be clear with your thoughts, and tell her that you feel uncomfortable and would much rather hang out with her and her boyfriend in a group setting or just have a girls’ night. If she cares about you she’ll understand, and you will get out of the swing of third-wheeling.

There is no “fun” in third-wheeling, but with a lot of patience and a dose of positivity you can make it somewhat bearable and help support your friend at the same time. Try not to be the "Debbie downer" and rain on her parade. Remember that one day you’ll have someone special in your life while you’re friend might not.

So when the thought of third-wheeling your friend into a situation comes to mind, don’t forget about your days of being the third wheel. Save her some sanity and ditch the tricycle scene.

Two-wheelers are cooler anyway.

By: Kaity Martin

How to Help a Friend Through a Breakup


Well the day has come; your best friend’s boyfriend is now officially her ex. Before you go rile up your crew of girls to hunt him down and make him pay, remember that right now is the time to be the ultimate best friend. It’s not going to be easy for either of you, since there are no real rules in how to mend a broken heart. Here are some ‘Breakup Guidelines’ to help you get your friend from feeling miserable to being single and ready to mingle!

If She Dumped Him: For one reason or another, your bestie decided to dump her beau, and you have probably been riding this heartbreak wave ever since she started to think about breaking up with him. After she takes the big step and follows through with ending the relationship, there are a few things you can do to help her mend her broken heart:

1. Make sure she remembers WHY she broke up with him.
After breaking up, the idea of being single again can seem very lonely and scary. Your friend will be in a vulnerable state where she might fall back on her decisions. If she starts to regret breaking up with her ex, sit down with her and reflect on why she broke up with him in the first place. Sometimes just remembering why she took the actions she did will be reinforcement that she made the right decision.

2. Reassure her that there is someone out there who will treat her better.
Your heartbroken friend will most likely be swimming in a pool of memories that she made with her ex-boyfriend. You may have to reel her in from the “happy days” of a relationship that is long gone. Let her know that there are about 3.4 billion men in the world, so there are plenty of fish in the sea. And as sappy as this might sound, a lot of those “fish” that you catch need to be thrown back because they just don’t treat you the way you deserve.

3. Help her keep the distance from her ex.
Once your friend changes her status from “in a relationship” to “single” on good ol’ Facebook, encourage her to possibly restrict the content she sees from her ex or even unfriend him all together. Going through old pictures and old conversations whether on the Internet or on her phone will only make it easier for her to reach out to him when everything is too fresh and emotions are too high.

If She Got Dumped: Whether it was out of the blue or she saw it coming, your friend getting dumped will not make the healing process that easy. Prepare yourself to be patient and level-headed, as she will be emotional and full of questions. Although the challenge of helping your friend get over this sudden heartbreak might seem daunting, here are a few ideas of how you can help her smile through this mess:

1. Make her a heartbreak gift box.
Grab an empty shoebox and decorate it with cutouts from her favorite magazines, funny pictures of you and her together and lyrics from her favorite Taylor Swift songs. It really doesn’t matter what you put on there; just make the box scream her name. Then fill it with chocolate, a new magazine, or my personal favorite, a container of taco dip. All those goodies in a beautiful box? That will be sure to make her smile. (It certainly made me smile... you two know who you are, thank you)!

2. Cry it out.
It isn’t glamorous, and when the chocolate stash dwindles down and the whole reality of your friend getting dumped hits her again ... just let her know she can let it out. Watching your friend cry, or anyone cry for that matter, isn’t a very comfortable position. But sometimes the best relief can come from a good cry. So grab some tissues, lend her your shoulder, and don’t be alarmed if you find your sleeve soaking wet from her tears. Let her know that crying isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength to be able to feel such deep emotions and to be able to let them out.

3. Get her out of the house.
If you know your friend is sitting alone in her bed scrolling through the never-ending pictures of cute couples on Tumblr while crying into her bowl of cereal, then you need to get her out of that house. Even if this means dragging her butt out of bed with her arms flailing around in protest. Pick out a cute outfit, do her makeup, make her feel beautiful even if she feels like crap. Then roll the windows down, pump some Demi Lovato songs through your radio, (I recommend Demi’s song "I Really Don’t Care" feat. Cher Lloyd), and drive around town. Get her mind off her broken heart. Even if it’s for just a few hours, it will mean a lot to her in the long run.

Just being by your friend’s side through such a tough transition in her life will really help her move forward. No matter the type of breakup, always listen, ask her how she is doing, and make sure she knows that she’s strong.

The last point is something I find really important. Strength is often not seen in the eyes of the beholder. Or in other words, your friend may fail to see how strong she is in going through all the emotions and pain of a break up. So let her know that she is so strong, even if she says she feels so weak.

I’ve found that we become our strongest when we feel our weakest. And the best companions in life are the ones who help you heal even if they aren’t the ones who hurt you.

So go be that companion, that best friend, that healer, and let your friend know that sometimes we all need to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source

5 Fun Ways to Get to Know Your Crush Better


The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you’re sitting in your room texting the guy you have been pining for since the school year. What is wrong with you? Don’t you smell summer in the air?

You aren’t going to learn much about him through the emojis he uses. And looking at your phone is so boring compared to looking into his eyes.

If you have found yourself stuck in a rut when it comes to getting out there and getting to know the guy of your dreams, well have no fear! Kaity-the-girl-full-of-fun-ideas is here!

1. Bike to your heart’s content
Grab your bike, and if you’re a safety freak like me, grab that helmet too, and start pedaling. You can take in the scenery and show off some of your new tricks. Make your destination a forest preserve or a peaceful park so when you rest up you two can talk and maybe have some fun on the swingset. Exercise and flirting, what could be a better combination?

2. You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Unless you live in Alaska, it is hot out there! Going swimming together might seem a little too intimate right now... I mean breaking out in a bikini on the first “let’s-get-to-know-each-other-outing?” No thank you. There is another way to beat the heat though and also make your taste buds happy campers. Go get some ice cream! Soft serve, popsicles, waffle cones, you name it. You will learn about the flavors he loves and hates. And just think about how adorable he would be with ice cream all over his face!

3. Get whisked away on the ferris wheel
Afraid of heights? No problem! Grab his hand when you get a little nervous on top of the ferris wheel, or just because his hands would look so good holding yours. The hometown carnival or fair grounds will provide a variety of rides that will get both your hearts pumping. Play some of the games, and maybe you’ll school him at whack-a-mole. Maybe you can even split a funnel cake. And if some things don’t go as planned -- let’s say a ride breaks down when you’re on it -- you two will just have some more time to talk and get to know each other more.

4. Is that the big dipper?
Gather up some blankets and some bug spray and find a nice patch of grass because it’s time to stargaze! There’s nothing quite like looking up at the stars on a warm summer night. Watching the stars twinkle will get both of your minds filled with thoughts, and who better to share these thoughts with than your crush lying next to you? Take in the moment and really let go and speak your mind. Sometimes a little change in scenery and the beauty of the night sky is all it takes to get to know someone a little deeper.

5. Winner gets a kiss?
Embrace your inner gamer, or if videogames are not really your forte, let him teach you how to play. You probably will lose a lot of times or maybe you’ll surprise him and even yourself when you beat him. Friendly competition can go a long way, and to make things a little more fun you could set rules like “loser of this round has to tell a secret.”

If you have your fingers hovering over the “send” button, it better be because you’re texting that cutie from down the street to get out of the house and have fun doing one of the ideas above ... or so help me, I’m going to text him myself.

In all seriousness though, go have fun. Whatever you do, be yourself and talk, talk, talk! You’ll know he is a keeper when you always find new things to talk about and fun activities to do together. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and get to know him!

This article is a part of Kaity's column focusing on dating and relationships in college.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source

The Awkward Task of Friendzoning


So I have a confession, I have a guilty pleasure. No... I’m not talking about how I occasionally belt out Hannah Montana songs when I drive to work. I’m talking about the TV show "Friendzone" on MTV.

If you aren’t aware of this program, then let me enlighten you with its signature awkwardness.

Basically every episode consists of a girl and boy who have been friends forever. And either the boy or the girl in the friendship has secretly been in love with the other since they first met. This overflowing love for their best friend has hit an all time high and they just can’t take it anymore.

So like any sane, level-headed person would do, the boy in the friendship pretends that he is going on a blind date and needs his best friend’s (the girl he is in love with) advice and help. But wait, there’s more! This blind date that he is going on is really for her, and when she says goodbye to him at the venue where the date is supposed to take place, he will tell her that the date is really for her and that he is in love with her.

Can you see why this is my guilty pleasure now?

Despite the entertaining factor of this TV show, I couldn’t help but wonder what I would do if one of my guy friends pulled some kind of move like this on me. Because in all honesty, how in the world do you go about friendzoning a guy you care about but only see as a friend?

There are three things that need to happen: take in the situation, let him down easy, and if possible, continue to be friends.

Take in the situation: Okay, so your best guy friend has just confessed that he has feelings for you. That takes a lot of guts. This isn’t a bad thing; he finds you attractive and girlfriend material. That sounds like a pretty flattering compliment to me. Try not to freak out because I can bet that he is shaking in his boots right now and is scared of whatever you are about to say.

Let him down easy: Now you are facing the hard part: rejecting him. You need to acknowledge how brave he is for telling you how he feels and that you think he is a great person; after all, he is one of your best friends. The thing is, though, that you just don’t see your relationship with him in any other light than being friends. This is going to be a really hard thing for him to hear, but whatever you do, don’t say you feel the same way just to not hurt his feelings. That will just turn into an entirely different mess.

Continue to be friends: Let’s be realistic here, things are going to be tense after you drop the verdict that anything more than a friendship isn’t in the future for you two. You may need to give each other some space to cool down and for emotions to simmer down. Friendzoning a good friend though shouldn’t be a death sentence. There was a reason before feelings were brought to the table why you two enjoyed hanging out with each other, and that factor is probably still present. So just give it some time and try to give your friendship another go.

I hope you don’t find yourself caught in a position where you have to friendzone someone. It isn’t a glamorous action to take, even though it is so embarrassing and funny to watch on TV.

That’s my take on friendzoning, something I’m glad so far I’ve only had to experience vicariously through watching MTV, and not in real life.

This article is a part of Kaity's column focusing on dating and relationships in college.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source

Moving On From A Relationship: Why Is It So Hard to Start Over?


I’m currently sitting in my backyard, and a storm is about come in, but I don’t really mind. In fact, I find it a little bit symbolic with what I am trying to write here. I’ve been trying to muster up some article about moving on and starting over, as if those two things are simple to do.

Moving on and starting over are two things I’ve never been very good at, so I don’t want to write up some mushy gushy “believe in yourself and move forward” kind of article because it really isn’t how I feel or what I think.

I’ve been trying to move on for quite a while now with no success. Part of this backslide is probably due to the fact that I am back home and so many memories and people are here that I haven’t thought about or haven’t seen in quite some time. And so, I find myself reflecting on and remembering everything and realizing that the person I was when I left home last summer isn’t the same person sitting in my backyard now.

But that isn’t a bad thing, and I don’t want you to think it’s a bad thing either if you are finding yourself in a similar situation as mine.

“Moving on” holds so much finality to me, and much of moving on has to deal with someone rather than something. In most cases, that someone is still present in your life, too. He or she might live right down the street, so it is really impossible to never see them again, and it’s certainly impossible never to think of them again.

So how on Earth is it even reasonable to think that we can ever truly move on? That is the question I have been asking myself for weeks. And to be completely honest with you, I don’t have an answer.

Words that I have been living by though is that “Everything Happens for a Reason.” We may not know the reason today, we may not know it tomorrow or months from now, but there is a reason and it will be clear one day. Some may call that train of thinking as positivity, but I call it being hopeful.

I believe the best way to face the daunting task of moving on is to really sit down and think. Think about how you feel. Think about what you want. Think about how things were. Think about how you wish things could be. Think about if there is anything you can do with the situation you’re in. Think about if what you are going through is something you want to continue to go through. Think about if you’re happy. And if you’re not happy, think about how you can be happy again.

The hardest realization will probably be this: YOU can only make yourself happy. Your happiness may seem to be at the expense of someone else’s actions or words, but in reality you are the only person who decides whether or not you’re happy today and the days to come. Trust me, that’s harder to accept than you may think.

When it comes to moving on, I fail the most because I find myself chasing an impossibility. I chase after the idea that the person I am trying to move on from will change. I hope that he or she will turn back into the person I loved. I foolishly believe that maybe just maybe, there is a chance that they will stop looking like a stranger and will start looking and being the person I always thought I knew. The thing is though, I have absolutely no control over that person. I cannot make them change back, just like I couldn’t prevent them from changing in the first place.

What you and I can do though is chase a possibility. You can focus on something you can control, and you can control yourself moving on.

After all, moving on doesn’t require knowing whether or not he really meant it when he told you he loved you last night. Moving on doesn’t require knowing whether that childhood friend of yours really wants to know what you are up to these days.

Moving on only requires loving yourself and knowing you deserve so much better and that better will only come if you start chasing the possible.

This is definitely not the easiest road to take, and if you fall back it’s okay. Moving on is a process, and it’s so extremely hard not to hold on to someone who has meant so much to you for so long, even though all they do is let you down.

So, that is my philosophy on this whole idea of moving on. There isn’t a right or a wrong, there is no script to follow, no particular steps to take ... and yes, I agree that is frustrating.

But isn’t that the point? All this frustration and pain will make us stronger somehow, right? Maybe it’s hard to see it all now, but it will be clear one day.

And let me tell you one last thing: you are so strong to realize you need to move on from someone or something. I am proud of you for seeing that.

We will be strong together.

This article is a part of Kaity's column focusing on dating and relationships in college.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source

How to Have a Summer Fling, Not a Summer Disaster


There you are, lounging on the beach, finally breaking out that new bikini that has been glaring at you from your closet. You’ve paid your dues on the treadmill, and now it’s time to treat yourself to some relaxation alongside the waves.

All of a sudden he appears. Appear would be an understatement; he almost floats out of the water, blessed with the abs of Taylor Lautner, and if you turn your head to the right and squint your eyes he almost looks like a younger version of Ryan Gosling. It might be the 90 degree weather, it is quite possible you’re suffering from the side effects of dehydration, but you swear that this Greek God of a man is heading your way.

He doesn’t know you, you don’t know him and now he has been subconsciously stamped in red ink as “Summer Fling Material.” But now what? Should you get up and say, “Hey, I’m Kaity and I think you’re cute,” and then let the whirlwind of a summer flirty fling begin?

Hold up though, what is a summer fling anyways? I’ve been pondering this question for quite some time. After asking around, one thing held true in other girls' definitions of a summer fling: emotions do not come into play.

According to dictionary.com a fling is a, “period or occasion of unrestrained, impulsive, or extravagant behavior.” Let me put some emphasis here on the mention of a “period or occasion.” This means that this fling is only temporary. It is a fleeting moment (or in this case summer) in time where you have fun and set feelings aside.

Now, I’m really no expert here when it comes to summer flings, but I would bet that separating feelings from a summer fling could pose quite a challenge. It is almost impossible not to develop feelings for someone you are attracted to and are spending time and intimate moments with on quite a regular basis.

Before starting a summer fling, no matter how jaw-dropping the guy is who may be “fling material,” you must sit down and consider if you are "fling material."

Are you going to be able to not have deep feelings for this boy? When you depart your separate ways when the summer comes to a close, will you be able to handle that? These are some questions you should consider before throwing yourself into a summer fling because without the prior precautions it might just turn into a mid-or post-summer rut.

Also, you need to understand where he is coming from, too. You don’t want him to find himself liking you more than what was originally intended, because well can you say... awkward?

I know I must sound like such a party pooper here, but I promise you I’m not trying to rain on your summer fling parade. Just make sure that what starts out as a “no-strings-attached” spontaneous summer fling doesn’t turn into a heartbreak or make you an unintentional heartbreaker.

As much as we may want to believe that we can separate feelings from relationships, it is quite a tricky task to pursue. If you make your fellow “flinger” aware of where you stand and where this summer fling is or is not going to go, and you stick to that agreement, then I wish you a happy summer fling season!

After all, you’re young, it’s summer and he kinda looks like Ryan Gosling, right? Just be careful, because even if he looks like Noah from "The Notebook," it doesn’t mean he will write you a letter every single day for an entire year after this summer fling is over, and you, unlike Allie, will have to be okay with that.

This article is a part of Kaity's column focusing on dating and relationships in college.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source

The Most Important Relationship: The One with Yourself


These days I have been beyond frustrated. Life has been handing me a lot of lemons in the relationship field, and lately I’ve been too bitter to make them into sweet lemonade. It’s beyond disheartening to feel like a person who once was so important to you is someone you cannot even recognize anymore. Whether it be a friend or a partner, when they are gone it is so difficult to resurface to the person you once were without them.

As I have been wading through these conflicting emotions, I’ve realized something I should have known before. Even though boyfriends make you happy and loved and friends bring you comfort and provide a shoulder to lean on, the most important relationship we should all be concerned with is the one with ourselves.

I never knew how strong I was as an individual until I left my hometown and moved 400 miles away to central Missouri. To say I was terrified would be an understatement. Freshman year at Mizzou dealt me a lot of blows, as well as many triumphs. I found that I can be independent and that I had to be independent. It wasn’t until I lived on campus for a couple months that it all hit me: this is my life, this is my future, and I can make it into something magnificent if I embrace who I am.

That’s what I believe we all fail at most of the time: we fail to embrace who we are. We are too concerned with how others view us, or we are consumed with thoughts that we aren’t good enough. We constantly think we aren’t thin enough, pretty enough or smart enough. We think that there just isn’t anything about us to be happy with.

But that’s the thing, we are. We are good enough once we forget about what others think and when we start to focus on what we think. It might take a year at college or more to realize this, but when you realize your worth and how strong you are and how strong you have always been, then I promise you that you will just feel so incredible.

I know I’m heading straight for the “Love You For You” kind of public service announcement, but as cliché as it is, it’s true.

People are going to come into your life, and you are going to believe that you know them so well. You will swear that if you needed to take a test on everything about them you would get 100 percent, and you will also believe that they know you just as well and that they will never hurt you.

But relationships end, and people change. You’ll find yourself abandoned, betrayed and alone. We all have experienced this and, unfortunately, we will all probably experience this again.

Maybe I’m just a little gutted with my recent relationship fallouts, but until I wrote this, I never realized how important my relationship with myself truly is. People have walked out on me, but I am still here. I can always count on myself, and so can you.

There is something that defines you. Maybe you are an outstanding painter, a fearless skateboarder or a whimsical dreamer. What defines you doesn’t have to be so elaborate though; you may just be a strong, compassionate sister or friend, and that right there is something to always value in yourself.

For me, writing is what defines me; it has always been my outlet. My passion for writing has stayed constant when friendships and boyfriends haven’t, because that is who I am: a writer. I am not defined by who I date and how many friends I have. I am my own best friend, and the relationship I have with myself is so much more important than the relationships that didn’t work.

Before I step off my soapbox here, I just want to say to you that you are your own best friend, too. Roll your eyes all you want at that sappy sentence, but it is so unbelievably true. Think about it, you know yourself better than anyone else will ever know you. Your fears, secrets, hopes and dreams, they are all who you are. And they are all beautiful.

It took me 19 years to realize this, and I am still trying to grasp it every day, but Dr. Seuss really hit it on the head when he wrote, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

So embrace who you are, and take on this challenge of maintaining a positive, healthy relationship with yourself. I can’t promise you there won’t be ups and downs ahead, but knowing who you are and how much you are worth is just one step closer in your journey to finding someone. Someone who will take the plunge to love you and get to know the exciting person you have always been and will continue to be.

But first before you go looking for love, save some love inside of you for yourself.

This article is a part of Kaity's column focusing on dating and relationships in college.

By: Kaity Martin | Image Source

3 Dating Conflicts: When to Bend & When to Break


In my younger years I foolishly believed that if I ever had a boyfriend and we were in a middle of a fight, that our true love would overwhelm us and we would break into a catchy song and dance our way back to ‘happily ever after.’ Thank you, "High School Musical" for planting that fantasy in my brain.

I sit here now knowing that a breakout musical number isn’t even remotely close to a solution when it comes to relationship conflicts. The real problem with conflicts is sometimes not only the conflict itself, but how we choose to handle them. There is a time to bend, be flexible about the situation, step back and rebuild. On the other hand, there is a time to break, realize the situation isn’t going to get better and that you deserve more than what you are currently getting.

Conflict #1: Communication
Nothing’s more frustrating than feeling ignored. Your partner’s inconsistent messaging and non-existent phone calls can easily get under your skin. You may start to question whether or not he or she even cares about your feelings.

  • When to Bend: If this lack of communication is far from frequent. Everyone gets busy, and we are all guilty of reading a text and not responding right away. Keep in mind that although you are both very important to each other, there are other people in your partner’s life. Next time you two have some time together, address the communication concern; chances are he might not even be aware of his MIA behavior (I hate using this excuse, but boys will be boys).
  • When to Break: You are continually shut down when you need communication most. When it comes to a point in a relationship when you start feeling second best to everything else in your partner’s life, a warning flag should go up. Your partner should be there for you when you need him most, no matter whom he is with or where he is. If your partner fails to realize that importance, then it is way overdue to tell him how you feel like you’ve been put on the backburner. If he can’t understand why his lack of communication hurts you or isn’t willing to rev-up the communication engine, then it’s time for you to find someone who is willing to put you first.

Conflict #2: Lying
Lying in a relationship, whether it is a white lie or a huge lie, is a major no-no. Lying undermines trust, and without trust a relationship becomes tainted and unhealthy.

  • When to Bend: Your partner truly apologizes for the lie and recognizes that what he did was wrong. It’s hard being the last one to know about something that has happened, especially when it directly has to deal with your relationship. People make mistakes though, and if he can understand his mistake and is willing to gain your trust back, then wouldn’t you hope he’d do the same for you if the situation were reversed? Give him a chance to prove to you that he’s truly sorry. (Okay, so some lies are bigger than others and for those huge, left-you-in-the-dark-for-months-to-years-kind-of-lies, I’d encourage you to consider your options and think about the breaking option below).
  • When to Break: His lying is constant, or the lie told was so huge that you feel like you cannot trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth. To be lied to once is a huge blow, but when he continues to lie to you and the severity of the lies increase, it’s time to start thinking about if you are in a relationship with him or just a pawn in a mind game. If you can’t trust him with his words then how can you trust him with his actions? There is really no way to move forward in a relationship when you cannot trust your partner.


Conflict #3: Cheating
When you find out that your exclusivity wasn’t as it seemed to be, your partner may seem to be a complete stranger to you.

  • When to Bend: Never. Now, I’m all about giving people second chances, but hear me loud and clear: if there is solid evidence and not just rumors floating around about his cheating ways, then it’s time for you to get up and go. Cheating involves a lack of communication and lying, a combination of the two conflicts I’ve presented above. Bending is very hard in a situation when cheating is involved, because quite frankly, he BROKE the relationship when he decided to cheat. Your best bet in this conflict is to know that cheating isn’t acceptable and that you deserve better.
  • When to Break: After you gain all the details you want to know. If you want to know about the person your partner cheated on you with and why he would do such a selfish act, then you deserve to know those details. He may not be willing to open up to you about this, but if he does, take in what you need and then pack your things and leave. Remember that “I’m sorry” are just words that can mean so little when it’s a little too late and when so much damage has been done.

Obviously, there are countless more conflicts than the three above that a relationship might bring, but a couple things hold true when you find yourself in a new or continuing conflict:

*Think about the circumstances.
*Replace anger and misunderstandings with the truth.
*Be specific with how you feel and what you want to see change.

And most importantly...
Never be ashamed of your feelings.

Never be afraid of what you know you deserve, even if that means having a future without him by your side.

This article is a part of Kaity's column focusing on dating and relationships in college.

By: Kaity Martin | Image: Source
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